i am struggling with something that's a little embarrassing to admit. but i have to admit it in order to get some help figuring this out. here goes...
i am a big gay rights activist. i have a gay brother. i have a lot of gay friends. i don't judge anyone on their sexuality or gender identity. i don't care if my kids are gay. but...i do seem to care about my son's "manliness" and it scares me (the fact that this is bothering me so much, not the fact that he's unmanly if that's even a word).
here's the thing. i notice the way he runs. i notice the way his long arms flop around everywhere. i notice that he's not athletic and he's not going to be the next big baseball or football player (maybe the next big swimmer, but that's another story), i notice that his little sister who is four years younger can pin him down in seconds with her eyes closed and her hands tied behind her back, and i notice that he can't do a lot of things the other boys are doing like riding their bikes or skateboarding. and that bothers me. it bothers me that at cub scouts he often gets the sympathetic mom nod because he can't balance on two pieces of wood or win an arm wresting match. and i come home mad. i blame my husband and say mean things like, "you need to teach him how to be a boy. you need to teach him how to do these things so he's not the only boy in scouts who can't do it. this is your fault." i insult his role as a father and i make him sad and then i get sad and we become frustrated and question our parenting skills.
and then tonight my husband asks me the million dollar question: why does this upset you so much? i'd like to say i don't know but i do know and it's shameful to admit. you see, i watched my brother get picked on by a bunch bully boys and girls and it angered me so much. it still angers me to this day. as a kid, my brother wasn't masculine and i knew he was gay long before anyone else would admit to it. i think other kids knew it, too, and they tormented him. i guess i'm afraid of that happening to my son. i don't know if my son is gay or not, and i don't really care (at least, i'm trying not to care) but i also don't want him to be an easy target for people to pick on. of course, what has actually happened is that i have become the bully and i, his loving mother, seem to be ashamed of him.
this is really hard to admit. i can't even read that sentence without breaking down in tears. i don't know myself right now and i need your help. i need help working through this. can you help me?
