bliss

bedtime has always been a struggle around here. a struggle for me, not necessarily my children. after a long, busy day, i am usually exhausted by bedtime and so it becomes a struggle for me to put the kids to bed. i become really selfish and cranky because i just want the kids to go to bed at the snap of my finger so i can get on with my "me time." this doesn't happen, of course, so i sometimes use an ugly tone or say ugly things that surprise my husband. he's always telling me that i spend more time being cranky than i would spend if i just got up and helped the kids to bed. easy for him to say since the kids don't generally want him to help with bed (probably because he has never tangled himself up with the whole bedtime routine...smart man).

anyway, for the most part, my daughter is the easiest to put to bed. she has always preferred to sleep in her own bed, by herself. i put her down and she falls asleep on her own. sometimes she might have a crying fit but it's not a daily thing. my son is the one i have most difficulty with. he's my lover-boy, he likes to snuggle and have his back scratched while he falls asleep. i usually end up crawling in bed next to him until he falls asleep and then i make my great escape. now that he's six and a big boy this all feels silly and i want my independence back. i have tried walking away but then he cries and cries and it breaks my heart. this has become a little more stressful for me lately because that thirty minutes makes a huge difference in my day and in my slumber.

well, i recently read a book called raising your spirited child by mary sheedy kurcinka and it has changed my life. not only did i discover that my daughter is not spirited (she's spunky) but i discovered that we all have some of the temperaments discussed in the book. like i found out that my son and i are clearly introverts and that spending time with other people exerts all of our energy. we need time alone to process our day and to calm down. in her book, mary recommends working toward a "yes". kids hear "no" all day long and, as you can imagine, after hearing "no" after "no" you shut down and you stop caring. she also discusses bed time and how it's different for everyone depending on their temperament. she shares my husbands thought,"is it worth spending five extra minutes on something if it will give you several extra hours of bliss?" it has taken me a long time to realize the answer but now that i have found it, i am in a state of nirvana.

i used to stagger bedtime. my daughter went to bed at seven-thirty and my son went to bed at eight. this was mostly due to the fact that they share a bedroom. they now go to bed at the same time. pj's and teeth brushing starts at seven, then thirty minutes of reading and lights out no later than seven forty-five. they are both in their own beds and i am on the rug in the middle of the room. that rug has become my sanctuary. i use my head lamp to read and/or do yoga and meditation. it works out for everyone. my kids are comforted by my presence and i have thirty minutes of total relaxation. by the time i'm done, i am ready for bed. before, i used to struggle to find the time to relax and meditate. when my bedtime routine ended around nine, i still needed "me time" so i would end up staying up until eleven or twelve and then i would be so tired and so cranky at wake-up time. bedtime is now a joyful time and i am so thankful...and so much happier.

bzz'ing

i recently tried two products that we given to me from BzzAgent. here are the results:

1. l'oreal paris collagen micro-pulse eye: i ended up with black eyes. seriously. the micro-pulse is a little vibrator that you run under your eye. it's supposed to help remove puffiness, wrinkles and dark circles. ha! that little vibrator bruised me and i woke up with the darkest circles under my eyes. totally worthless. i had my mom try it because she really has dark circles and wrinkles (she's sixty two) and she tossed it aside after one use. i was very sad because i was a big fan of linda evangelista back in the day.

2. garnier fructis sleek and shine blow dry perfector: oy. still dabating on this one. it's another complicated system...whatever happened to quick and easy styling products? this is a two part process. you shampoo, then put on a twenty-minute smooth-it serum which stinks. i mean, really stinks. remember the smell of permanents from the eighties? it's kind of like that. you can feel the chemicals just seeping into your blood stream through your scalp. my husband and daughter ran into the other room, afraid to come near me. my husband even asked," is that the stuff that came in the mail yesterday? you're very brave." anyway, after twenty minutes you rinse and apply the heat-activated perfect-it cream and then blow dry or flat iron. the cream had a fruity scent but it wasn't enough to cover the chemical smell. it was a little embarrassing being out in public because that scent followed me everywhere. my hair did seem smooth but it also felt heavy and stiff. i guess it lasts seven days so i'll see how the next six days go.

free-range

• walk 1.5 miles home from school in 5th grade
• come home from school to an empty house
• play barbies in the empty lot next door while wearing wonder woman underoos
• fly internationally...alone...to a THIRD WORLD country...to a city now considered one of the world's deadliest? most dangerous? bloodiest? i can't remember which but it's run by drug cartels so it's definitely not at the top of the list of places to visit. 
• do my own laundry
• walk to the market or to the fro-yo store, alone
• wander around the neighborhood until dark
• cook my own meals
• explore amusement parks and the mall without adult supervision
• visit my father in a foreign prison
• visit neighbors without permission
• swim at the local pool 

these are things my mother let me do between the ages of 5 and 10. does that make her a bad mother? if you ask me, no. i think it actually made her a good mother. i learned at a young age that i could take care of myself. did creepy men pull over to the side of the road to make lewd comments to me? yup, they did. creepy men have always been around. the difference is, i figured out how to make them go away. did my mom teach me? probably not. i probably figured it out the first time it happened. who knows? i do know that back in fifth grade when i walked home from school i had confidence, i had swagger, i could kick butt. if you knew me back then, you'd laugh and say, "yeah right." but it's true. i wasn't a tough kid but i felt tough on my long walk home because i was empowered. my mom let me walk home that far because i didn't want to change schools in the middle of the year. she may not have wanted to let me do it but she did. she knew i could do it. she believed in me and that belief spoke louder than any words.

 with that being said,  i would not let my children do the things i was allowed to do. does that me a good mom? probably not. in fact, i'd say it makes me a freaky, paranoid mom. and all i'm doing is rubbing that paranoia on my kids. so if my kids were walking home alone and a creepy person pulled over to them, i'm not sure they would know what to do. that's scary. that's scarier than the creepy person, i think.

so now i'm on a mission to give my kids a kid-friendly childhood. one that involves being in the great outdoors, exploring and learning about life with or without me standing next to them to pick them up when they fall.  i recently stumbled upon this book, free-range kids  by lenore skenazy, and it's a breath of fresh air. 

i definitely think every parent should read this and then practice being free-range. it's not as scary as it seems. i mean, i did hold my breath the entire time but, i finally let my son cross the street without holding my hand. yup, baby step, but it felt great. so now, i no longer escort him to his classroom. instead, i drop him off in line and leave. pretty soon he will join the running club before school so he'll be on his own to get himself in line and to class.  just yesterday when he realized he forgot his lunchbox, i said he could  run back to get it. he said, "really?!?," with a smile and then ran off. he only ran two cars ahead of mine before he came back to ask me to go with him. here's the thing, i let him go which showed i believed in his capability and i allowed him to make the decision to ask for company. i can't wait to try out more free-range parenting.