worth living

a couple of months ago i found out that i have the brca1 gene mutation. that's the breast and ovarian cancer gene. it really wasn't a surprise since my mom found out a few months before me that she has it, too. she's also had fallopian tube cancer. a number of women before us, including my grandmother, had breast cancer. no surprise, then, to find out it's in our genes.

 i had a few minutes to cry it out before i toughened up and said, "let's do it," to all the aggressive treatments my genetic counselor laid out. treatments like a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy (BSO)  and a bilateral simple mastectomy. i don't think i really hesitated before agreeing to it because it's life, right? i mean, isn't that the goal? living?

well, based on everyone else's opinion, you would have thought otherwise which made me start to second guess myself. i finally reached out to the one i always turn to because she is so wise. she said, "First, you have to stay alive. Second, those surgeries won't rob you of years of your life like cancer will. And third, reconstructed boobs look awesome in tank tops." sold! and then she said, "If you knew for certain that your plane had an 87% chance of crashing you would never get on that fucking plane." see why i love this woman?  later on she also said, "you are worth more than the sum of your parts." i sure am.

i was never really attached to my parts anyway. i mean, i have two precious kids and that, to me, is quite enough. in fact, i would say my cup runneth over. getting pregnant and carrying babies to term don't come easy for me. it's months of stress and bed rest and every day wondering if there is still life in there. secondly, i wasn't blessed with great breasts. they were lopsided and annoying. and, for a second there, they thought i had a third one. when the running joke in my family is about my breasts, you know it's bad.

i had the oophorectomy in january and it wasn't bad. it was a few days of pain and then life resumed. menopause isn't as bad as it's cracked up to be. two weeks ago, i woke up after the mastectomy screaming in pain and i cried to my husband, "i made a mistake!" he assured me i did not. the first day i took a shower, i looked in the mirror and broke down in tears. a bilateral mastectomy is not pretty, my friends. it's ugly and gut-wrenching. it took many hours locked in the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror before i was able to hold my head high and declare, "i am strong, i am beautiful and i am alive!" that was a big step. because even though i originally chose life, there were moments during that first week of recovery when i changed my mind. it took a whole lotta love from a whole lotta people, two little ones in particular, to pull me through.

which brings me to my photo. that little artichoke is a miracle. i planted two artichoke plants last year. they started to grow and then it looked like they were dying. i gave up on them. then all of a sudden, in the middle of the hottest months, the plants started to grow. i gave them a little love, they wilted. i ignored them, they thrived. i gave them a little more love, they wilted. i ignored them a little more, they thrived. and now? they are huge and there is a little artichoke growing! sometimes we're dealt a heavy load and sometimes we just want to wilt away and disappear but, ultimately, we have the strength to get through to the other side and life is beautiful. sometimes, it just takes a whole lotta love for amazing things to happen.







really?!? seriously?!?

i don't know when it happened but it's driving me nuts. over the last year or so i have noticed that most people add really?!? or seriously?!? to the end of almost every sentence. in fact, sometimes you don't even need a sentence as the sentence is reduced to just "really?!?" or "really, sam, really?!?" i started paying attention when i heard my son saying it to his sister one day last year. it really caught me by surprise. i then realized he picked it up from his teacher. she used both all the time. and that's when i thought, "really, mrs. s, really? is this the way we motivate our children?" and then i kept catching myself saying it during math homework with my son (you all know how frustrating that was for me). lately, i hear my husband using it when degrading disciplining (if you can call it that) our children. and, of course, we use it because everyone, everywhere does the same. i don't know about you, but i am over it. add that to my list of bad habits to break this year. seriously.

resolutions

i have started the year with just a few resolutions, in addition to my one little word:

1. do not spend any of my own money at starbucks (gifts are okay)
2. dress fancy one time this year
3. practice loving kindness every day (through meditation)
4. follow the ten simple steps of raising happiness (book by christine carter, ph.d)
5. have one exquisite moment every day

we're on day eight and i can tell you i am two for five. i have not, i repeat, i have not spent any money at starbucks. on day two, i did text my husband to request a coffee on his way home from work, completely forgetting my resolution. luckily, he didn't "see" the text because he would have gone through the starbucks drive-thru. phew! i really don't have anything against the company. in fact, i once had a wild love affair with starbucks...unfortunately, it ended badly. either way, i still spend way.too.much.money. at that place and i would like for it to stop (sorry, friends). i am fortunate enough to live a few blocks away from a few other coffee houses and i'd rather help those places stay in business. actually, i intend to purchase myself a nice espresso machine so i can whip up my own tasty beverage any time i desire and save oodles of money altogether. next year, this resolution might be: only drink coffee at home.

i have also been devoted to practicing loving-kindness daily. in fact, i tried it with my son once and he is now addicted so we practice it every night before bed. tonight, we included my youngest. she might not get the concept but she is repeating the phrases which i am hoping will seep into her soul at some point. if you haven't tried this, i highly recommend it. once you practice loving-kindness, you'll feel so much better, much happier, less stressed and less uptight. i have been doing this for a while but i was interested to learn an approach for kids (thanks to christine carter, author of raising happiness).

i have to sit up to practice loving-kindess or i'll fall asleep. i have the kids do it in bed, hoping that this will relax them enough to fall asleep without battle. anyway, i have them close their eyes and visualize themselves. then we repeat a few phrases, taken directly from the book, like: may i be well. may i be happy. may i be filled with ease. then i have them visualize someone they are thankful for, someone they love, someone they feel neutral about (neither like nor dislike), someone they don't like and then everyone. we repeat the chant (changing i to you) for each person. at the end we say, may all beings everywhere be happy. my son has the hardest time visualizing someone he doesn't like so i usually just let him visualize anyone of his own choosing. tonight i changed the chant and he reminded me what we have been saying. at first i didn't think this really made much of a difference to him, but obviously it has. i am so glad i included the children in this resolution.

i have been on vacation for a couple of weeks and my brain tends to shut off during this time. i don't follow a schedule and i don't follow too many guidelines. because of this, i can't tell you if i have had an exquisite moment every day. tonight it would be practicing loving-kindness with the kids. i will start keeping track tomorrow when it's back to the daily grind.

the one resolution i struggle with the most is following the ten simple steps to raising happiness. specifically, i am trying to avoid put-downs ("you're acting like a brat") and i am trying to avoid controlling language ("pick up your toys NOW!"). here's the problem, it's hard to use other tactics when my soon-to-be-four-year-old throws huge tantrums and yells things like, "LEAVEMEALONE!" when i'm trying to enforce bedtime. or, when she doesn't feel like picking up her toys after i have requested her to several times, using several different methods. i finally succumb to the, "do you want me to pick up your toys? because I will. and do you know what happens when I pick up your toys? that's right, i give them to other kids who will appreciate them" and, i do. in fact her brother looked at her said, "you don't want mom to pick up your toys." do you know what she did? she looked over at all her toys, shrugged, and said,"they're old anyway." so i bagged up all the toys and they are sitting in the back of my car waiting to be donated. and, i am going to let her do the honor. wrong approach, i know. you don't even have to tell me but, in the heat of the moment, it seemed right. just when i was feeling thankful i wouldn't be going through menopause during the teen years, it appears the teen years have come early. i better get back to practicing loving-kindess...