mother in law interview

back around thanksgiving, i interviewed my mother in law for national day of listening. it was an amazing experience. i have been married to her son for thirteen years and i barely know anything about her. in fact,my husband barely knows much about her. he was in the same room we were in when the interview took place and he sat so still, listening, learning about his mother. later, he told me her responses really surprised him. he said it was the closest he has ever felt to her. it was clearly a special moment and i'm glad i went out on a limb and broke the sound barrier between us. plus, it's one check off my bucket list. sadly, i can't check the whole line because i included my own mother and she ultimately refused to let me interview her. i think she got scared after hearing one of the questions i asked my mother in law. she actually had the nerve to say she "doesn't do interviews." i was sad and a bit appalled but i guess i'll just try harder next year.

but, back to my mother in law. she's a quiet woman who prefers to be a loner. she can go days, maybe even weeks, without leaving her house or talking to anyone. she has had a hard life and her three kids have put her through the wringer more than once. she is the second oldest of five but she is the smallest...by at least a foot, if not more. her siblings are large, fairly outspoken people you'd definitely want at your party. she is quite the opposite. in fact, i don't think people know much about her because they don't ask...me included. you just assume she doesn't have much to say. in reality, once you take an interest in her she glows and really enjoys talking about her life. here is a bit of her story:


what was the happiest moment of your life? she saddest? 
the happiest moment was having my kids; each one was an experience. the saddest moment was when i lost my mom to cancer. she was 65, i was 38. she had breast cancer and was in remission before it came back in her bones and in hr brain. she was sick for 21/2 years.
were you close?
yes. after i got a divorce we lived closer and called each other often. it was devastating. i took it hard.
who was the most important person in your life? can you tell me about him or her?
my grandparents were the most important people in my life. they were my mom's parents. my grandpa was a rancher. they were homebodies and they loved to have family around. they were our babysitters; they were so neat. we did a lot with them. they lived in pima but they moved to mesa to be close to the temple. we spent summers with them. they were in their 80's when they died; in the 60's.
who has been the biggest influence in your life? what lessons did that person teach you? 
my parents. my dad instilled a work ethic in us and he taught us how to do things on our own. he taught us to get out in the workforce. he was an electrical engineer and he worked on the hoover dam, in the mines, at jc penney's downtown, the arizona biltmore, the westward ho hotel and he ended up at asu as chief engineer. my mom was very strong in the church and she instilled in us to live our lives and not be ashamed of anything; to hold our heads up high.
who has been the kindest to you in your life?
the church members at all the wards i have been in. they were always kind to the kids. bishop waters took care of us. they've seen me at my worst and my best.
it has been said that after they pass away, the most important people in our lives "live within us." is there anyone in your past who lives within you?
uncle dutch, my mom's brother. he was a special person. i spent summers with him. he took us in when william was a baby until we could get a home of our own. he always cared for us.
what are the most important lessons you've learned in life? 
learn how to be a friend and not look at outside of person, look inside. mom said if you want friends, treat people how you wanted to be treated.
what is your earliest memory?
mom and dad went out and our grandparents were watching us. they put us to bed but we decided to get out of bed and go jump on my parent's bed. it was a wood frame bed with the best mattress. we jumped and jumped until it broke. we had to fess up later.
are there any words of wisdom you'd like to pass along to us?
just be yourselves. be friends with people; don't look down on anyone. be happy. there's a lot of sadness in this world. i'd like to see people happy in the worst of times. for my grandkids, enjoy school. have friends, you can never have too many.
what are you proudest of in your life? 
my kids getting married, my grandkids. seeing (my daughter) get out of her mess and repairing her relationship with (her own daughter). seeing them have a good mother/daughter relationship. watching you kids get married. i love to see my kids happy.
when in life have you felt the most alone?
when (my son and his wife) were arrested. i never want to feel that way again. family helped pull me out...you kids, my ward and the rest of the family. i was ready to shut my door and never let anyone in again. i never want anyone to feel how i felt. moving (to another state) helped. being needed, having something else to focus on, helping my sister, it all helped. i had my church and my friends but still having to see my daughter in law was hard to take. she should have to serve time with (my son). she can never leave (my town) now. she took it away from me. they took pity on her because i didn't want anything to do with her. i felt like i was in prison.
will you ever move back?
maybe. i haven't given up the idea of moving back. i like my house. i might be stronger one day, strong enough to handle it. she took over my church and i often didn't want to go.
how has your life been different than what you'd imagined? 
oh my gosh, how has it been different. i never thought i would get a divorce. i never thought what happened with (my son) would ever happen. i always knew i'd have kids but the way the divorce went down was horrible.
how would you like to be remembered? 
that i love family. i love my grandkids. i love the closeness of family.
do you have any regrets?
i wish things could have worked out with their father. maybe i should have gotten remarried. my kids didn't have a father. they had an uncle but they didn't have a father.
how long were you married?
ten years. things started going downhill after (my daughter) was born. he didn't want a girl. he also pulled my sons apart. he focused on (the oldest son) and made (the other) give everything to him. to this day, i blame him for tearing my sons apart.
what does your future hold? 
possibly moving back to (my state), to my grandkids and kids.
is there something about me you've always wanted to know but have never asked? 
yes. how did you take your parent's divorce?