i spent hours upon hours reflecting on my last post and the emotion i was dealing with. it all boils down to this: i am not ashamed of my son. i am, however, still harboring anger from my childhood and i am projecting that anger and those emotions on my son which isn't terribly good of me. i am also letting other people's opinions of my son get the best of me. like when i go to cub scouts and another mom looks over at me, laughs, and says, "poor guy, i don't think i would be able to do that either." i guess i start to feel like everyone is laughing at him which makes me mad and then embarrassed. because i've been laughed at and i know it doesn't feel good.
anyhow, it's important to state that being wimpy and sensitive doesn't make one gay. and being gay, doesn't make one wrong.
it's also important to state that my son rocks and i love him to pieces. so what if he screams at the top of his lungs and jumps on the nearest table when he sees a spider. his dad does the same thing. so what if he cries and cries over a teeny-tiny-almost invisible cut on his hand. his dad can fill buckets with his tears over a television commercial or a performance on american idol. and who cares if he can't figure out how to balance on a piece of wood? i was kicked out of gymnastics because i couldn't do a cartwheel and you'd think every girl could do one of those, right? wrong. my son can do so many other things like draw cartoons and have days long star wars battles, he can memorize spelling words better than i ever could (and i was good) and he can build amazing things with legos, lincoln logs and other building tools. he can also perform some serious jumps and flips on the trampoline. he's well-behaved and smart. and, he has the biggest heart of anyone i know. he's some kind of special.
now, what he isn't is confident. and he's not really self-motivated and these things play into who he is. we had our parent teacher conference this week and his teacher had the same concerns we have been discussing all week (not necessarily the wimpy part, but everything else). she said he doesn't do well during independent time when she's working with small groups. she finds him day-dreaming instead of completing his work on time. he also hesitates when answering questions even though she knows he knows the answer. these are definitely reasons why he doesn't perform in front of a group like at cub scouts. or why he's not really interested in learning how to ride a bike even though he's had a brand new bike hanging in the garage for more than a year now. so now the big question is: how do we help boost his confidence and help motivate him? we're thinking martial arts and changing the way we discipline. we're also going to relax when helping him with his homework. i get frustrated when he can't answer something i know he knows. like when i ask him what 5+4 is and he says 9. and then i ask what 4+5 is and he says 9 and then i ask what 9-5 is and he says 9 and i say really?!? and he says 12. 5? 3? and i say are you serious?!? yeah, that's not a real morale booster now is it? so we have things to change and we have some activities to add.
what do you think? what are ways you would help your child improve their confidence and motivation?
Jovita--you're too hard on yourself. We all lose our cool, and I dare say, it happens most often during homework hour! You are not the cause of his lack of confidence. He is a sensitive guy, my son is, too, and it's hard to find their fortes. But you will, just give it time. Let it work itself out. We try to balance group activities with more independent stuff, like soccer and swimming. The group activities are hard for everyone, even the more skilled kids. There's just so much peer pressure, so try some more individual stuff, maybe? If he's good at drawing, maybe find a drawing class where he can excel? We also try to have very honest conversations, like telling the kids that they may not LIKE certain things, but life is full of things we don't like, and it's best to just learn/eat/do it and move on. Like paying attention....we don't always like what is going on, but we have to do it anyway. It's better to talk when it isn't connected to homework or anything else, just a little chat in the car or something. Lastly, YES, let go of the homework. I say that as a parent AND a teacher. Have him do it independently, then bring it to you to check, and you only get to pick 3 (max!)things that are wrong. As parents, we tend to want the homework to be perfect. As a teacher, I couldn't care less. I care that the kids are trying. Your son is trying. And he's making those guesses because he's afraid to be wrong. It's ok to be wrong. So try to let him do a page on his own, point out everything he got right, circle 2 or 3 he got wrong, let him fix them (even if he has to use fingers or manipulatives), then praise him when he gets them right. You're teaching him he CAN do it on his own, even if it takes a few tries, and he will get some math confidence.
ReplyDeleteMy kid can't ride a bike either. His handwriting his atrocious. He's lucky if he touches a ball 3 times in a full soccer game. But he's a cool guy just the same. It will all come....in time....in HIS time, not mine. I learn that the hard way every time I try to force it. :)
You're an awesome mom. Have confidence in yourself, too!! :)